one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
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CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep