one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
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If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
when there are deer in the woods
My humor is broken
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
#Caturday
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.