One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
You Might Also Like
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.