One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
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20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.