“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
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“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
oh u like history? name everything that happened
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.