One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
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Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something