one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
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[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Orange cat behavior 😂
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on