one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
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kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.