one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
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Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I鈥檓 about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we鈥檙e arguing about.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I鈥檓 put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
my mom has been using 馃挦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it鈥檚 so quiet in here.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
HBO鈥檚 Cookie Monster is much darker
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
me when i see my girls butt