one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
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i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse