Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
What?!?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”