One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
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People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Goat cheese is for herders.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
a badder mouse
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl