One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
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if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
The struggle is real
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex