one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
