one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Noah
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
