Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

Roses are red
Violets are blue

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.