@U_Want_Shum_M8

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

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@SortaSarcastic

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

@AnkCoupleTO

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

@CatherineLMK

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

@CornOnTheGoblin

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

@ravenswng_

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

@TheBoydP

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

@Mr_Bucky

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

@samfromks

I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.

@Marlebean

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

@alexqarbuckle

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play