One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
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I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.