One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

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Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.


Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined


Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod


[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]


It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.


Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.


My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.


I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.


The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.


Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play