One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
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When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.