One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
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*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops