Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

I was just discussing this with my cat

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.