Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

✌🏽

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired