One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
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Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen