One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
