One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Getting married soon just need a spouse
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
😂 amazing answer
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
