Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

I have never related to anyone more.

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants