one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
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It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.