one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
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Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
The Punning Dead.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.