Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

The three genders.

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?