Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

Lol #dogsoftwitter

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!