Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

Pikachu found the lost joint

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…