Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler