One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
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My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.