One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
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Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.