One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
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When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.