One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
