One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
