One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
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[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”