Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

is this meant to deter me

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

Generation gap…

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

Breaking news:

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.