One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
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I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in