One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
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[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
who named him groot and not spruce lee
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins