One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
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Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower