Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

#milo

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say