One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
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People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
getting groceries
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out