One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
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The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Left at a local drug store…
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Oh boy, $150,000!
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.