One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
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Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I did not eat the cake…
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes