One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
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Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
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When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
A short story about romance.
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.