One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
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Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Gods work.
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.