One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
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Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
(2022)
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???