[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: try the coffee.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
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[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
People that study meteors are called weatherologists
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
*takes 5 more shots*
me to an ex: wyd
Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.
PROFESSOR X: What is your skill?
ME: I’m very strong
X: So? All my students are
ME: Oh yeah? *watches a movie without eating popcorn*
X: Dear god
“A Vegan…like Mr. Spock?”
“No mom…that’s a Vulcan.”