@ericsshadow

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

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@HogwartsLogics

Harry wasn’t chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.

@java_assassin

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

@notalogin

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

@ozzyunc

It’s so cute when the person in my trunk thinks anyone understands Morse code.

@BastardProphet

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

@Snarfernini

Me: Let’s have a fight with that guy you like

Brain: That’s not a good idea, he might actually like y…

Me: GOOD IDEA! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!

@jonnysun

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy