@ericsshadow

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

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@upsidedowntrash

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

@Gre_Gone

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

@kimtopher22

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

@RL_blahneh

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

@JazzJazzybc

Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.

@Home_Halfway

PROFESSOR X: What is your skill?

ME: I’m very strong

X: So? All my students are

ME: Oh yeah? *watches a movie without eating popcorn*

X: Dear god

@MCaparco

“A Vegan…like Mr. Spock?”

“No mom…that’s a Vulcan.”