The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
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Harry wasn’t chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.
When is carotene going to get out of beta mode?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
*walks away with cake*
It’s so cute when the person in my trunk thinks anyone understands Morse code.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: Let’s have a fight with that guy you like
Brain: That’s not a good idea, he might actually like y…
Me: GOOD IDEA! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy