One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
[shakes fist at other fist]
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
for all #parents out there
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.