@ericsshadow

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

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@markleggett

Stop complaining about the length of the Hobbit movies. Plays are 17 hours long. School plays are twice that.

@daemonic3

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

@Breadery

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

@robfee

Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.

@chuuew

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

@living_marble

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

@click4amanda

Officer: “Do you know why I’m standing here?”
Me: “You got all C’s in High School?”

@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

@Cheeseboy22

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.