One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
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*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
me when i see my girls butt
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.