One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
can’t talk my ride’s here
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
