One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
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me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Teamwork makes the dream work.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.