Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?