One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
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“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Beauty and the Beast
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying