One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
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Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Morning my dudes.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?