One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

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Remember to keep the ‘inmate’ in ‘intimate’ by getting married.


5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.


M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.


(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”


I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings


[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit


This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!


You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.


[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality


You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.


There is simply no need to add “NSFW” in your bio. This is twitter. None of us have jobs.