One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
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Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
what the
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.