@dulcetry

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

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@realHamOnWry

Remember to keep the ‘inmate’ in ‘intimate’ by getting married.

@DadandBuried

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

@HelloJessicaFox

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

@EnglAhole12

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

@LMuenster

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

@behindyourback

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

@weinerdog4life

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

@bornmiserable

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

@pizzajaynow

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

@C_J_Commode

There is simply no need to add “NSFW” in your bio. This is twitter. None of us have jobs.