One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
You Might Also Like
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*eats only grass-fed donuts
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
scared to check what name she chose
