Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I’m having a stroke

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.