One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
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Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
😭😭
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated