Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

God tier horse name today on the sims

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”