Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot