One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
You Might Also Like
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.