One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
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cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.