Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

Hey! This isn’t my car!

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

I don’t bring my relationship to the social media. I keep it a secret. Even the person I’m dating doesn’t know about my relationship

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.