one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
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Eating my way out of the ball pit.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?