Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

*praying for world peace*
God:

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat