Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

I might carry a baby with one hand.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.