one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
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If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall