one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
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Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?