one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
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Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
So jealous of the roads getting plowed right now.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*