one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
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Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Unimpressed
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty