One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50