One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
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Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy